引導語：笑比皺眉更容易。相對於皺眉來說，臉部露出笑容所調動的肌肉數量更少、用力也要小一些。既然綻放笑容如此簡單，何不少一些愁眉苦臉，多一些開心的笑呢?下面是由本站小編爲大家整理的英文笑話短篇短文，希望大家喜歡。
her Predict
A film crew was on location deep in the day an old Indian went up to the director and said,"Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.
A week later,the Indian went up to the director and said,"Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However,after several successful predictions,the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him."I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director,"and I'm depending on will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders."Don't know," he said."Radio is broken."
天氣預報
一個電影攝製組在沙漠深處工作.一天,一個印度老人到導演跟前告訴導演說"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.
一週後,印度人又來告訴導演說,"明天有風暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴.
"印度人真神,"導演說.他告訴祕書僱傭該印度人來預報天氣.
幾次預報都很成功.然後,接下來的兩週,印度人不見了.
最後,導演派人去把他叫來了."我明天必須拍一個很大的場景,"導演說,"這得靠你了.明天天氣如何啊?"
印度人聳了聳肩."我不知道,"印度人說,"收音機壞了."
much English can you speak?
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
中文翻譯
"法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多麼不公正啊。他一週前纔來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"
法官看了看被告，問道："你會說多少英文?"
被告擡起頭，說："把你的錢包給我!"
3.A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
丈夫給妻子看了一項調查結果，爲了向她證明女人比男人囉嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個字，而女人每天使用30000個。
妻子想了一會兒說，女人每天說的字數是男人的兩倍，因爲她們必須重複已經說過的話。
他問："什麼?"
: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：這個座位是空的麼?
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。
5."Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"湯姆，你弟弟怎麼了?" 媽媽在廚房裏問。"他在哭。"
"沒事兒，媽媽，" 湯姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因爲我不給他吃。"
"他已經吃完自己的了麼?"
"是的。" "我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。"
6.A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
路人甲對路人乙說，"猜猜我兜裏有幾個子兒?"
路人乙說："我猜對了，你能給我一個不?"
路人甲說："你要猜對了，我兩個全部給你!"
7."I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."
一個教師在研究生工程學課堂上說："我一眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我說'下午好'的時候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。"
: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
爸爸：告訴我湯姆，哪個月有28天呢?
湯姆：每個月都有啊!
ing one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
史密斯小姐發現她的一名學生在操場上向別人做鬼臉，便去輕責他。
這位主日學校的老師甜甜地微笑着，說："博比，我小的時候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會僵硬，永遠都那麼醜。"
博比擡頭看了看老師，說："史密斯小姐，你可別說沒人警告過你啊。
10.A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
一名男子帶着朋友去探望他的祖母。
當他和祖母聊天時，他的朋友開始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，並把花生都給吃光了。
他們離開時，他的朋友對祖母說:"謝謝您的花生。"
結果祖母說:"唉!自從我牙齒掉光後，我就只能吮掉花生豆外層的巧克力了。"
11.A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
一位父親打算讓自己的兒子知道酒精有多麼可怕。
他把分別把兩隻蟲子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌裏做對比。清水裏蟲子安然無恙，結果威士忌裏的蟲子蜷縮了幾下就掛掉了。
"所以，兒子啊，"父親問道，"得出什麼結論?"
"恩，這說明，你只要喝酒的話，肚裏就不會長蟲了!"
ing very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.
"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."
"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"
"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."
中文翻譯：
一個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。
"大夫!"他說，"幫幫我!一個月前我吞了一分硬幣!"
"天哪，"大夫說，"早幹嘛去了?你當時怎麼不來看?"
"實話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當時還不缺錢!"
: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。
女孩：應該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。
an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"
"To be deaf," replied the boy.
"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.
"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.
在一次音樂學院的入學考試中，老師問其中一個男孩："音樂家最重要的生理素質是什麼?"
"耳聾，"男孩答道。
"胡說!"老師氣憤地說。
"怎麼了，先生!難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個聾子嗎?"男孩輕蔑地反問道。
15.A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
一個男人坐在酒吧裏，傷心至極。
酒吧招待："你怎麼了?跟老婆鬧矛盾了?"
男人："我們吵了一架，她說一個月都不跟我說話。"
酒吧招待："那你應該高興纔是啊!"
男人："不，今天是這個月的最後一天。"
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, " much for a season pass?"
女生宿舍將全面禁止男生進入，男生宿舍也同樣不得女生光臨。
"不論是誰，一旦違規，初犯將被罰款20美元。再犯要被罰款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罰款。還有什麼疑問麼?"
這時人羣中一個男同學問道，"那麼一個季度通行證需要多少錢?"
: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎?
女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。
or: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
醫生：聽上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：應該如此。我昨晚練習了一整夜。
: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
皮特："我上次出去打獵，跌下了很高的懸崖，信不信由你，當我跌落的`時候，我腦海裏浮現了我做過的所有蠢事。"
鮑勃："你一定是從萬丈高山上跌落的吧。"
ding the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
2個男孩與祖父母一起過夜，他們跪在牀邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: "我祈求一輛自行車，一張新DVD……"
哥哥用肘輕推他: "你爲什麼大喊着祈禱?上帝又不聾。"
弟弟答道:"上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。"
21.A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
巡警發現一名婦女邊開車邊織毛衣，便開車上前，說："靠邊停車(套頭衫)!"
"不，" 她回答，"是一雙襪子!"
In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"
The student answered,"It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol."
酒的好處
爲了證明酒精對生物的危害，老師把一隻蟲子放入裝有酒精的杯子裏，蟲子很快就死了。老師問一個學生：“這說明了什麼?”
學生答道：“說明人多喝酒，就不會長蟲子。”
her:Some students are becoming you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?
Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.
Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep?
Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.
把烏龜換成狼
老師：有些同學開始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，你說說看，兔子爲什麼輸給烏龜?
小明：因爲它睡覺了。
老師：對極了!我們應該怎麼做才能讓兔子不睡覺呢?
小明：把烏龜換成狼!
sie The Great Lion Hunter
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
偉大的獵手Jonesie
有個小村莊正爲一隻吃人的獅子而煩惱。於是，村長派人去請偉大的獵手Jonesie來殺死這隻野獸。
獵手躺着等了幾個晚上，但獅子一直沒有出現。最後，他要求村長殺只羊然後把頭皮給他。把羊皮披在身上後，獵人到草原上去等獅子。
半夜，村民被從草原傳來的聲嘶力竭的尖叫聲驚醒。他們小心地靠近後，看到獵手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。沒有獅子出沒的蛛絲馬跡。
“Jonesie，怎麼了?獅子在哪?”村長問。
“哪有獅子!”獵人怒吼道，“哪個傻瓜把公牛放出來了?”
24.I Am Acting Like a Lady
One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.
"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
我要表現得象位女士
一天，遠東百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給太太買一件。可是，沒過多久，他發現自己已被瘋狂的女人衝得踉踉蹌蹌。
他竭力忍耐着。後來，他低下頭，揮動雙臂，擠過人羣。
“你幹嘛?”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現得象位紳士嗎?”
“聽着，”他說，“我已經象紳士一樣表現了一個小時。從現在起，我要表現得象個女士。”
25.A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
女人找了老公之前都在擔憂未來。男人娶了老婆之前從來不爲未來擔憂。
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
男人想要的東西，要是值1塊錢卻賣2塊，他也會買;而對於女人，即使是不想要的東西，要是值2塊錢卻只賣1塊，她也會買。